Funny Friday – Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller is, in my opinion, the original domestic goddess and queen of one liners! Born to an insurance man in Ohio, I thought it most appropriate she kick off  my Funny Friday!

Phyllis Diller – Age:
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Phyllis Diller – Beauty:

• The reason there are no women football leagues is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

• I’m glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I’d be rotten to the core.

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

• Photos of me don’t do me justice. They just look like me.

• Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.

• No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller – Domestic Goddess:

• They say that housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance!?

• The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

• My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.

• “I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

• Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

• Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.

• Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle – keep away from children.

• If it weren’t for baseball, most kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

• Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

• I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.

• I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

• When the pro tells you to keep your head down, the real reason is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

What do you think her take on a fat burner would be?

Kathleen

Hey, there I'm Kathleen. My friends call me Kathy; to my kids I'm Momia. Life has afforded me many hats: Mom, wife, sister, friend, business owner... and most recently a midlife blogger. From college to marriage and babies, in the midst of business and wealthy boomers, midlife retrospection validates this extraordinary journey called life.

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More Woman Mom Friend posts:

1. Funny Friday – Women and Cigars
2. Funny Friday – Doorbells
3. Funny Friday – Womanly One Liners

Tags: funny, humor, jokes, woman